Reality

Reality never hit me harder than it has the past two weeks. I realize that I haven't posted a new one in a while despite my promise to. These past two weeks have ben an incredible roller coaster of emotions and events. I have for these past two weeks been sleeping at odd hours, 3/4AM, then waking up at 7/8 to get ready to go to class. This isn't due to the fact that i'm not tired, but the fact that I just can't sleep. I stay awake endlessly because of the number of thoughts that run through mind at this odd hour of the day. One of the thoughts that repeatedly comes up despite my tries are my shortcomings, my failures, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my inability.

As this semester progresses  as homework, labs, projects, papers keep piling on I feel more and more out of control of things. I feel incapable of keeping things under control, as though someone had finally pulled out the rug under me. I had my first test a few days ago, and no matter how much time i spent and how much more time i spent studying for it the outcome wouldn't have changed. I look at the classes I am taking this semester then look at the homework that I have to do. I stare blankly at it because I DON'T KNOW what I am doing or how to even begin to do them. I feel like an idiot, feeling incapable, revealing my insecurities more and more. I'm super insecure about the fact that I am unable to manage on homework, let alone the tests. Even more so, I feel incapable of making the right decisions. Do I spend time doing homework or do I just spend time with Alex? I can't even make the right decision because with either decision I make, something suffers, regardless of the intent in my decision.

I've been flat out tired and exhausted day after day but I somehow manage to have the strength to keep going. I know this is God's way of showing that He's still by my side. This weekend I'm at the Double Tree Hotel for a conference with IVCF. I've been looking forward to this weekend because its my first break from homework, from tests, from labs, from all the craziness that comes with school and relationships. First real break since winter break and first real break until spring break. My time away where I can figure out what the heck my priorities are, what is most important versus what is most urgent.

This semester, the classes I am taking I feel like I know nothing about each of them. I feel like I have just been going to class for the sake of going to class and taking notes to make it seem like I am paying attention and the mindless drivel that I am supposed to understand is sinking in. None of what I have learned thus far is sinking in. None. I feel like I am wasting my time and everyone else's whom I ask for help because that's what it seem like I have been doing lately. Asking for help but still not understanding anything. I feel like my desperate attempts to understand and to seek help are wearing thin on myself and to those around me. I feel as though the times that I have asked for help are now just a nuisance to people. I'm not that smart. I'm not that intelligent. I feel like the compliments that people have when they say I am are half hearted because other than God the only other person who can see the extent of my ineptitude is me. I want to see what He has in store for me this weekend. I want to see what He is going to teach me.