Where?

And so the curtain closes on what I thought was another possible chance of getting somewhere in my personal life. Another tally gets added to the list of times of broken heartedness. Another nail in the coffin, so to speak. I got excited over nothing and I'm mired in this junk. My guts (emotions, junk, what have yous) lay bare on the floor. I hate being an F (if you don't know what this means ask me).

I feel like this is all some cruel joke. I look around and especially look at a relationship that a friend of mine has, and the first thing is that I'm jealous but also scared. Jealous because that is what I desire. A relationship on that level of understanding, trust, companionship. Scared because what if a relationship is not what is for me. Scared of being called to a single life. Scared that I'll remain without that companion.

Why am I jealous? Why am I afraid? Why am I not more heartbroken that I'm not yearning for that same relationship or companionship with my Father. Why am I not longing more for that relationship?

So to answer my question "Where?" I guess I'm starting back at square one and loving and being with Him more.

Yet even now, return to me with nothing less

Than your wounded, broken heart

And cling to Me, your gracious King

Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend

Rend, rend, rend

Rend your hearts.

Just another...

I'm tired of being just another one of those people. I'm tired of being clumped up into a group because of what I physically am. I'm tired of being just another statistic added to a list of meaningless numbers. Though in some cases some of them have said that its a compliment for me to be "in that crowd. I'm still a statistic I'm still just another one of those guys.

But why does this all matter? Why do I even root myself in this? My desire is to not be of this world but to live in my Lord's presence. My identity stands in my Lord's hands.

Hopping back onto a journey I've already begun.

I haven't written on here in a long time and today is as good a time as any other.

Coming off of IVLI, I was excited and afraid for what this semester has in store for my personal walk with my Lord and Savior, my ministry on campus, and the friendships/relationships I've made this past summer.

So here's my reality check since then.

Three weeks into school, and I have already pulled an all nighter to finish a lab because of poor planning and underestimating my classes. Three weeks into school and I'm back to the same mind set of how pathetic I am in how little I understand. In classes. In my faith. I feel like a child in a grown person's body. Watching the world pass by not knowing or understanding what's going on. Yet amidst all these things I still remain sane and competent. And I know it is because of Him that I am still the way I am right now. But how long will this continue?

For the past week now it has been a continuous spiritual battle for me. For the past week it has been an insane struggle for my sanity and my faith. This past week I have more and more questioned my decisions, my ministry and my faith.

Earlier today I talked with a friend and this is what she had to say for me in regards to my doubt about my ministry. "If you know you're called to it, why are you doubting?" I'm doubting because they are thoughts being fed to me by the evil one. Trying to tear me down. And in some regards its an answer to some of the decisions I've made and my faith. Yet it still doesn't put my heart and my mind to rest. I still don't know why I'm in the major I'm in considering the fact that as each day passes, I begin to know and know less of what I'm learning and what I have learned. I've been utterly dependent on my friends to help me understand and now I'm at the point where I feel like I can no longer do that.

This past week I have been questioning and doubting my decision in letting someone I had just met this past July know that I had fallen for her. Doubting the fact that it was a good thing to have verbally shared my life, my crap, my struggles with her. What was a "get-to-know-you" kinda thing turned into an exasperated effort of trying to have a conversation. In the conversation with my friend earlier today I told her how i felt about it and I quote "lately i feel like i'm just army crawling through quicksand after her". From talking regularly to talking sparingly with my desperate efforts for a conversation, I doubt my decision for having told her I like her. I'm doubting my efforts for chasing after her. I'm doubting my heart. For me it just feels like a tease.

Reality sucks. But I still am in it not to show how strong I am but to show how in my weakness my God is strong.