Where?

And so the curtain closes on what I thought was another possible chance of getting somewhere in my personal life. Another tally gets added to the list of times of broken heartedness. Another nail in the coffin, so to speak. I got excited over nothing and I'm mired in this junk. My guts (emotions, junk, what have yous) lay bare on the floor. I hate being an F (if you don't know what this means ask me).

I feel like this is all some cruel joke. I look around and especially look at a relationship that a friend of mine has, and the first thing is that I'm jealous but also scared. Jealous because that is what I desire. A relationship on that level of understanding, trust, companionship. Scared because what if a relationship is not what is for me. Scared of being called to a single life. Scared that I'll remain without that companion.

Why am I jealous? Why am I afraid? Why am I not more heartbroken that I'm not yearning for that same relationship or companionship with my Father. Why am I not longing more for that relationship?

So to answer my question "Where?" I guess I'm starting back at square one and loving and being with Him more.

Yet even now, return to me with nothing less

Than your wounded, broken heart

And cling to Me, your gracious King

Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend

Rend, rend, rend

Rend your hearts.

Just another...

I'm tired of being just another one of those people. I'm tired of being clumped up into a group because of what I physically am. I'm tired of being just another statistic added to a list of meaningless numbers. Though in some cases some of them have said that its a compliment for me to be "in that crowd. I'm still a statistic I'm still just another one of those guys.

But why does this all matter? Why do I even root myself in this? My desire is to not be of this world but to live in my Lord's presence. My identity stands in my Lord's hands.

Hopping back onto a journey I've already begun.

I haven't written on here in a long time and today is as good a time as any other.

Coming off of IVLI, I was excited and afraid for what this semester has in store for my personal walk with my Lord and Savior, my ministry on campus, and the friendships/relationships I've made this past summer.

So here's my reality check since then.

Three weeks into school, and I have already pulled an all nighter to finish a lab because of poor planning and underestimating my classes. Three weeks into school and I'm back to the same mind set of how pathetic I am in how little I understand. In classes. In my faith. I feel like a child in a grown person's body. Watching the world pass by not knowing or understanding what's going on. Yet amidst all these things I still remain sane and competent. And I know it is because of Him that I am still the way I am right now. But how long will this continue?

For the past week now it has been a continuous spiritual battle for me. For the past week it has been an insane struggle for my sanity and my faith. This past week I have more and more questioned my decisions, my ministry and my faith.

Earlier today I talked with a friend and this is what she had to say for me in regards to my doubt about my ministry. "If you know you're called to it, why are you doubting?" I'm doubting because they are thoughts being fed to me by the evil one. Trying to tear me down. And in some regards its an answer to some of the decisions I've made and my faith. Yet it still doesn't put my heart and my mind to rest. I still don't know why I'm in the major I'm in considering the fact that as each day passes, I begin to know and know less of what I'm learning and what I have learned. I've been utterly dependent on my friends to help me understand and now I'm at the point where I feel like I can no longer do that.

This past week I have been questioning and doubting my decision in letting someone I had just met this past July know that I had fallen for her. Doubting the fact that it was a good thing to have verbally shared my life, my crap, my struggles with her. What was a "get-to-know-you" kinda thing turned into an exasperated effort of trying to have a conversation. In the conversation with my friend earlier today I told her how i felt about it and I quote "lately i feel like i'm just army crawling through quicksand after her". From talking regularly to talking sparingly with my desperate efforts for a conversation, I doubt my decision for having told her I like her. I'm doubting my efforts for chasing after her. I'm doubting my heart. For me it just feels like a tease.

Reality sucks. But I still am in it not to show how strong I am but to show how in my weakness my God is strong.

IVLI

Tomorrow starts a journey that He has wanted me to go on since the beginning of this year. I'm excited and nervous. I don't know what to expect but I do expect that He'll do great and amazing things through this and I know that He'll grow me. I am looking forward to this month of peace and serenity with my Father. I can't keep this update throughout the month so I'll update it once I get internet access. Keep praying for me as this journey begins tomorrow. The address below is for anyone who wants to send me snail mail.


Miguel Javier
Illinois Institute of Technology
CEDAR CAMPUS, P.O. BOX 425
1128 S CEDAR CAMPUS DR (for UPS/FedEx delivery)
CEDARVILLE, MI 49719

Be back on here soon.

Reality

Reality never hit me harder than it has the past two weeks. I realize that I haven't posted a new one in a while despite my promise to. These past two weeks have ben an incredible roller coaster of emotions and events. I have for these past two weeks been sleeping at odd hours, 3/4AM, then waking up at 7/8 to get ready to go to class. This isn't due to the fact that i'm not tired, but the fact that I just can't sleep. I stay awake endlessly because of the number of thoughts that run through mind at this odd hour of the day. One of the thoughts that repeatedly comes up despite my tries are my shortcomings, my failures, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my inability.

As this semester progresses  as homework, labs, projects, papers keep piling on I feel more and more out of control of things. I feel incapable of keeping things under control, as though someone had finally pulled out the rug under me. I had my first test a few days ago, and no matter how much time i spent and how much more time i spent studying for it the outcome wouldn't have changed. I look at the classes I am taking this semester then look at the homework that I have to do. I stare blankly at it because I DON'T KNOW what I am doing or how to even begin to do them. I feel like an idiot, feeling incapable, revealing my insecurities more and more. I'm super insecure about the fact that I am unable to manage on homework, let alone the tests. Even more so, I feel incapable of making the right decisions. Do I spend time doing homework or do I just spend time with Alex? I can't even make the right decision because with either decision I make, something suffers, regardless of the intent in my decision.

I've been flat out tired and exhausted day after day but I somehow manage to have the strength to keep going. I know this is God's way of showing that He's still by my side. This weekend I'm at the Double Tree Hotel for a conference with IVCF. I've been looking forward to this weekend because its my first break from homework, from tests, from labs, from all the craziness that comes with school and relationships. First real break since winter break and first real break until spring break. My time away where I can figure out what the heck my priorities are, what is most important versus what is most urgent.

This semester, the classes I am taking I feel like I know nothing about each of them. I feel like I have just been going to class for the sake of going to class and taking notes to make it seem like I am paying attention and the mindless drivel that I am supposed to understand is sinking in. None of what I have learned thus far is sinking in. None. I feel like I am wasting my time and everyone else's whom I ask for help because that's what it seem like I have been doing lately. Asking for help but still not understanding anything. I feel like my desperate attempts to understand and to seek help are wearing thin on myself and to those around me. I feel as though the times that I have asked for help are now just a nuisance to people. I'm not that smart. I'm not that intelligent. I feel like the compliments that people have when they say I am are half hearted because other than God the only other person who can see the extent of my ineptitude is me. I want to see what He has in store for me this weekend. I want to see what He is going to teach me.